var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-5307460-1"); pageTracker._trackPageview(); Tumblr (3.0; @emmyblotnick)http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/<p>If you say you want it “balaclava style,” they’ll let you behind the counter and build a sandwich around your head.</p> <p>It’s true.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/17328577310http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/17328577310Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:48:00 -0500Subwaybalaclava styletruewussup<img src="http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyni94MXjO1qzogkuo1_r1_400.png"/><br/><br/><p>Behold, The Ladies’ Sandwich!</p> <p class="p1">This isn’t like with Manwich, where the name makes it clear there’s a 1:1 man to sandwich ratio. We’re talking infinity:1 ladies to sandwich here! We’d better devise a plan to split this thing up, women.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/17037407192http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/17037407192Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:21:45 -0500<p>It’s the subject on everyone’s mind: Michelle Pfeiffer has not written a memoir yet! And when she does, what should she call it? Here are some fantastic options:</p> <p>- Pfeiff of the Party</p> <p>- Party of Pfeiff</p> <p>- Pfeiff For Your Right To Fparty</p> <p>- The Life of Pfeiff: Pfeif Fer Life</p> <p>- Matters of Pfeiff Er Death</p> <p>- Eye of the Pfeiffer</p> <p>- Pfeiffer Optics (name may be better suited for Michelle Pfeiffer-themed optical shop/internet service combo-business)</p> <p>- Pfeiffer? I Barely Know Her! Just Kidding, I Pfofe Her Twice This Morning.</p> <p>- Explosive Pfeifferhea</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16580354320http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16580354320Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:46:00 -0500<img src="http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyffp2qHIU1qzogkuo1_400.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Found a new way to draw birds today. Eyes without heads! Boom!</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16541551185http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16541551185Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:27:02 -0500<p>- “Employees Must Wash Hooks” — a pirate restaurant</p> <p>- “Employees Must Wash Hands One Through Eight” — a spider restaurant</p> <p>- “Wash Your Hands Say Yeah” — a hipster restaurant</p> <p>- “Wash Hands You Must” — a virgin restaurant</p> <p>- “Employees Must Wash Hans” — famed Austrian restaurant chain Dirty Hans</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16337615598http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16337615598Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:54:00 -0500<p><strong>Me:</strong> Do you guys do weekend appointments?<br/><strong>Time Warner Person: </strong>Yes, we work Saturdays.<br/><strong>Me:</strong> Great, could we reschedule for a Saturday?<br/><strong>Time Warner Person:</strong> Let me check. I don’t see any Saturdays.<br/><strong>Me:</strong> Ever?<br/><strong>Time Warner Person:</strong> Yeah.<br/><strong>Me:</strong> Perfect. </p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16175788368http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/16175788368Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:04:31 -0500<p><div> <p class="p1">Be honest, is a <span class="s1">Hint of Lime</span> <em>truly the right amount</em> of lime for you? Perhaps you’d like more or less flavor!</p> <p class="p2">For those who prefer something subtler than a Hint of Lime, I recommend:</p> <ul class="ul1"><li>Garbled Suggestion of Lime</li> <li>Ghostly Echo of Lime</li> <li>Thom Yorke’s Midnight Whimper of Lime</li> <li>Amoeba’s Surrendering Exhale of Lime</li> <li>Indescribable Loneliness.  <small> Of Lime.</small></li> </ul><p class="p1">For those who prefer more lime flavor, might I suggest you try:</p> <ul class="ul1"><li>Backhand of Lime</li> <li>Boston Homophobe’s Bark of Lime</li> <li>Two Dozen Concert Venue Toilets of Lime</li> <li>Overturned Mack Truck Leaving One Dead and Several Injured of Lime</li> <li>Chainsaw-Juggling Juggalo Gang Rape and Murder of Lime</li> </ul></div> <div> <div></div> </div></p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15829310595http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15829310595Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:48:00 -0500<img src="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxre2g08WE1qzogkuo1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>“The name’s Richard Tits. People call me Rich Tits. Some people call me Dick Tits. Some people call me Dick Titties. What do I care, I’m wealthy.” [<a href="http://whatevs.tumblr.com/post/15793584674/whats-that-bert-i-cant-hear-you-ive-got-a" target="_blank">h/t</a>, <a href="http://corycavin.tumblr.com" target="_blank">h/t</a>]</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15794201192http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15794201192Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:50:00 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxgas5qkkH1qzogkuo1_400.png"/><br/><br/><p>FYI. (<a href="http://airgordon.tumblr.com/post/15475835867/happy-birthday-to-me-happy-birthday-to-me" target="_blank">related</a>)</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15474579756http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15474579756Sat, 07 Jan 2012 18:04:00 -0500<img src="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxasltWpYl1qzogkuo1_r1_500.png"/><br/><br/><p>THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FUN. Oh my. Come on out, friends!</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15315626223http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/15315626223Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:44:00 -0500<img src="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwz4lsqFRY1qzogkuo1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Mascara Companies vs. Monster Truck Rallies: a mostly useless Venn diagram.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14978116611http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14978116611Thu, 29 Dec 2011 11:32:16 -0500<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwxa9tpDZd1qzogkuo1_500.png"/><br/><br/><p>“Come on in, Mouthful of Sores! All of your mouth sores are welcome at Red Lobster.”</p> <p>I love the internet.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14921875480http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14921875480Wed, 28 Dec 2011 11:39:29 -0500<p><strong>Karen: </strong>Plans for Christmas?<br/><strong>Me:</strong> I’m going to see as many movies as I can in a row without getting kicked out<br/><strong>Karen:</strong> Lucky. Movies are the first thing to go when you have kids.<br/><strong>Me:</strong> Sigh. Well, I’ll send you some homemade video cliffs notes of Mission Impossible 4<br/><strong>Karen:</strong> Don’t bother. If Tom Cruise is in it, we know how it ends. With Suri on top!<br/><strong>Me:</strong> Gross!<br/><strong>Karen:</strong> Ewwww. Didn’t mean it like that for chrissake.</p> <p><em>(I laugh like Butt-Head into infinity.)</em></p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14735232076http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14735232076Sat, 24 Dec 2011 15:09:26 -0500<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwm6boHs6D1qzogkuo1_500.png"/><br/><br/><p>Oh man, I am so buying this and using it all by myself on Christmas. Two footlongs and two movies, mine, mine! It’s like the Depression Prize Pack.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14620779825http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14620779825Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:41:49 -0500<p>I’ve been at home, writing in my living room (that sounds poetic, right? Wait for it, it’s not) and early on I realized that nobody at eye level with my apartment has curtains. None of us. We can all see each other throughout the day and it brings up a handful of weird questions: Should you fight the natural human instinct to wave? Do you still dance around if the mood strikes? Do you still, like, pick your nose? Is it okay to lick that plate? What if we ever meet?</p> <p>From Monday through Thursday, there was an elderly Asian woman in the apartment across the street who stood at her window facing out the entire day, just watching and watching. Pale little somber face. She never moved and I grew incredibly tired of second-guessing all my “home alone” behaviors. Can’t go through life that way; being home alone is too awesome.</p> <p>So I let my neighbor-guard down. Way down.</p> <p>On Tuesday I split my favorite pants dancing to “Get Into the Groove” (consider that groove Gotten Into) and it doesn’t matter who you are, if you get to see that from the comfort of your home on a quiet weekday you’re lucky. All day Wednesday I picked my nose so consistently I convinced myself I was pulling a prank on her, that I was going to trick her into thinking time had stopped. Thursday I made a pretty offensive “new take” on nachos that I’m not going to tell you about in any detail, but I definitely licked every last bit of Awful off that plate.</p> <p>It wasn’t until Friday morning that I put on my glasses for the first time all week and saw that the watchful old Asian woman was actually a large curtain tied in a knot.</p> <p>I know. I know. But listen, I am deeply glad I did all my stupid shit. I have no regrets besides maybe not putting on my glasses sooner. I want to extrapolate this experience into life philosophy territory and I can already tell it’s going to be a clunker, but let’s try. Here’s the dismount: “Live like the old Asian lady watching you is just a large curtain tied in a knot.”</p> <p>Whew.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14358103095http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14358103095Sat, 17 Dec 2011 11:39:00 -0500<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://assets.tumblr.com/swf/audio_player_black.swf?audio_file=http://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/14269461064/tumblr_lw9dabzAsc1qzogku&color=FFFFFF" height="27" width="207" quality="best" wmode="opaque"></embed><br/><br/><p>Madonna, “Sorry”</p> <p>Anyone who thinks <em>Confessions on a Dance Floor</em> isn’t the greatest can just TAB THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS BLOG! (Huffs, puffs in sports bra.)</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14269461064http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/14269461064Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:42:42 -0500<p>The following is his reaction to the news. All are gchat messages I received from him consecutively.</p> <ul><li><span>“WHAT THE </span><span class="il">FUCK</span></li> <li><span>TIME 2 SWIG SUM SWAGU</span></li> <li><span><span>I’M GONNA LIE DOWN ON THE GROUND AND DIE</span></span></li> <li><span><span>MY NOSE IS BLEEDING</span></span></li> <li><span><span>I just fell down</span></span></li> <li><span><span>DAMN WHAT THE <span class="il">FUCK</span></span></span></li> <li><span><span><span class="il">WHAT WHAAAAT</span></span></span></li> <li><span>I’M GONNA PISS ON MYSELF TO CELEBRATE</span></li> <li><span>DAMN I’M GONNA PUMP SOME FUCKING IRON</span></li> <li><span>FEW TIMES BEEN AROUND THAT TRACK</span></li> <li><span>Motherfucking fuck yeah</span></li> <li><span>DAMN I NEED TO TAKE A POOP ON SOMETHING</span></li> <li><span>FUCK</span></li> <li><span>ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE IN CAPS LOCK</span></li> <li><span>I’m literally blasting “How Do I Live” and singing along</span></li> <li><span>Shit, in my overzealousness I accidentally sent the boss a picture of my penis</span></li> <li><span>Like seven of them</span></li> <li><span>I LITERALLY JUST BURIED MY FACE IN A PILLOW AND SCREAMED “<span class="il">FUCK</span> YEAH” LIKE 10 TIMES</span></li> <li><span>THEN AIR BOXED</span></li> <li><span>Fuck</span></li> <li><span>Shit shit shit</span></li> <li><span>SHIT</span></li> <li><span>DAMN!”</span></li> </ul><p>Over 30 hours later, he added, “<span>I JUST PUNCHED A HOLE THROUGH MY COMFORTER.”</span></p> <p>I hope we all get to experience this feeling at some point in our lives.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13792732794http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13792732794Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:35:00 -0500<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://assets.tumblr.com/swf/audio_player_black.swf?audio_file=http://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/13695792521/tumblr_lvh7glcwDJ1qzogku&color=FFFFFF" height="27" width="207" quality="best" wmode="opaque"></embed><br/><br/><p>Widowspeak, “Gun Shy”</p> <p>Ugh breathy lady singers HOW YOU SUCKER ME!</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13695792521http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13695792521Sat, 03 Dec 2011 16:51:20 -0500Harry & David customer service: Who is this gift from?<br /> Me: Emmy Blotnick.<br /> H&D: And who is this gift to?<br /> Me: Emmy Blotnick.<br /> (...)<br /> Me: WHAT, like I'm the only person to ever order a year-long subscription to Fruit of the Month Club for herself?http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13650323546http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13650323546Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:50:46 -0500<a href="http://airgordon.tumblr.com/post/13600481172/some-of-my-favorite-songs-of-2011-accompanied-by">Jeremy Gordon: 'Some Of My Favorite Songs Of 2011, Accompanied By Particularly Negative Things My Friends Have Said About Them'</a>: <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://airgordon.tumblr.com/post/13600481172/some-of-my-favorite-songs-of-2011-accompanied-by" target="_blank">airgordon</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>Destroyer - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puu3IvKnSb4" target="_blank">Kaputt</a> (“Oh cool, dance music for boring people.”)</p> <p>JoJo - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUDbSL-5GHQ" target="_blank">Marvin’s Room</a> (“I suspect there is something wrong with literally everyone who enjoys this song.”)</p> <p>Coldplay - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHFmangx5O0" target="_blank">Hurts Like Heaven</a> (“I honestly thought this was the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4" target="_blank">Nyan Cat</a> music when it started playing.”)</p> <p>Dum Dum…</p> </blockquote> <p>I take responsibility for Negative Comment #3.</p>http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13609282903http://blog.emmyblotnick.com/post/13609282903Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:51:00 -0500