emmy blotnick

During the heyday of shows like MTV Cribs and The Fabulous Life of…, I remember Jennifer Lopez was quoted saying that she uses Creme de la Mer face cream all over her body every day and night. The cream costs approximately $150 per ounce. It’s pretty much the most excessive, mid-2000s-y thing I’ve ever heard.

Recently, randomly, a beauty company sent my office two huge crates of samples. An email was sent out to the staff saying there were free products to be had and every lady came hopping in all curious and excited. It turned out to be a ton of night cream from a brand suspiciously called Merlot. There was an echo in the room: ”Merlot? What is this?” “Is there wine in this?” ”Is this from a dollar store?” “Night cream? It’s all just night cream?” “I wish it was wine.”

Most people took a maximum of one sample and walked away a little confused, a little disappointed. I, however, hoarded about 40 and filled the shelf next to my desk like I’m selling the stuff. Every day since I’ve been wiping out a jar or two just on my legs as an homage to Jennifer Lopez. This is all pretty amusing to me, though I realize it’s kind of like saying I’m going to honor the tradition of Thanksgiving by eating a pigeon every day.

Now about a week deep into my Merlot kick, I’ve come to two conclusions:

1. My desk-neighbors are feeling weirded out by how aggressively I’m night creaming myself, and 2. Apparently one of the ingredients in this cream is a muscle relaxant. I’ve diagnosed myself with a condition known within the medical community as Spaghetti Legs.

I neglected to mention early on that I’m writing this from the floor.