emmy blotnick
Wow! I hope nobody ever uses the adjective “beefy” to describe…really anything about me.
Fact: Red-eared sliders are a kind of turtle.
It’s good to know in case you ever meet someone who keeps them as pets, so when he mentions them in conversation you don’t make the same mistake I did last night and yell “ARE THOSE BURGERS?”
Types of soup that could also be disses:
- Gumbo
- Fagiole
- Snert
- Ten Beans
- Creamy Crab
- Easy Chinese Corn
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DOG.
I have an eight year old Schnauzer named Harrison who has more heart and soul than any guy or dog I’ve ever dated. I love him irrationally. He weighs about twenty pounds but carries himself like a big dog, and I aspire toward that attitude.
Recently it got the best of him. My mom boarded him with our dog-sitting friends over the weekend about a month ago and on that Sunday she received a call that he’d been injured. He was “jumping around” with a bunch of big dogs and one landed on his hind leg, and something involving a tendon or a ligament was causing him to hobble. (While heartbreaking, the whole “dogs of all different sizes jumping around” part continues to tickle me a little; you kind of have to picture a Kriss Kross video.)
The injury seemed to break his spirit. He needed to be carried out into the yard to pee and he couldn’t hop up onto the couch to eat cheese, and the thought of him being unable to walk weighed heavy on me. A vet said he’d need at least a month to recover and potentially some expensive surgery, but my mom is one of those mystically intuitive people who can just tell what you do or don’t need medically and she decided to wait it out. Still, we were bummed.
But then the other night she called with great news: Harrison humped a pillow.
How is that great news? Well, for a dog to truly give a pillow a good, triumphant Fuckin’ he has to stand on his hind legs, both of them, and Harry DID IT. The adrenaline of lovemaking was enough to lift him out of his pain weeks ahead of anyone’s estimations. It’s the dog equivalent of suddenly summoning the strength to stand up out of your wheelchair. Maybe. Almost.
In any case, friends, this is a story about a dog who overcame the odds, and I think we shouldn’t be afraid to call him a role model. Let’s all take his lead and really give it to life’s pillow, metaphorically speaking, and also physically speaking.
That’s my plan, at least.
Vinformation: Facts About Vin Diesel
- When in France, he goes by Wine Diesel.
- When in porn, he goes by Skin Deeznuts.
- When baking delicious pies, he goes by Win Dowsill.
- His full name is Vinegar Diesel, an industrial strength douche.
- His photo sharing startup is called Vinterest, on which every photo is of Vin Diesel.
- His Christmas-themed workout tape is titled The Vinch Who Stole Rippedmas.
- His younger brother is named Pan. Just…Pan. Kind of a bummer.
An April Fool’s prank for your parents:
Give them a tabloid with 100% fake people and TV shows just to push them to their total breaking point over how out of touch they are.
“What is— who is this WHAT IS JOHN MCGILLICUTTY’S HOUSE OF FRIES WHY HAVEN’T I HEARD OF ANY OF THIS???”
My top three sleepover activities
1. Playing volleyball with a balloon
2. Building a fort out of pillows!
3. Getting my period in a sleeping bag.
