December 2010
30 posts
"What do you like?"
My friend told me she’s just started sleeping with someone new. She said before the first time they did it, he asked her flat out, “What do you like?”
It’s maybe a thoughtful gesture in theory but in practice, even in typing that out here, bleh. I can only imagine it spoken in a poorly put-on Batman voice by a gigolo with no people-reading skills. It’s also...
Recent L.A. Transplant Friend: I got headshots taken! Recent L.A. Transplant Friend: Here, [redacted link] Me: No way, same here! Me: Here, http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs145.snc3/17246_1153476994558_1156650215_30723300_5181650_n.jpg
9 a.m.
I got on the subway just as the doors were closing and found myself instantly waist-deep in yelling children. They were playing a game where they’d take turns rattling off grocery items that start with each letter of the alphabet — A, apple, B, bread — and as one girl got taunted for struggling with J (and rightfully, I mean: jam, juice, jelly, Jell-O, come on) the yells...
Good Movies from 2009/2010 I Will Never See
Inception
Avatar
127 Hours
The Bad Edited-for-TV Movie I Will Re-Watch Instead
The Sweetest Thing
I Told Santa I Was Jewish
…is the title of a web zine created by Arianna Stern. I wrote a story for it, which I’m reprinting here, but you should read the others, too.
—
itoldsantaiwasjewish:
“Praise Susan” by Emmy Blotnick
As a ten-year-old, I really wanted to be good at sports.
I played basketball at a community center in Boston, and I was good in the sense that I could kick other girls in the...
Newscaster Quotes from the 17th hour of "24 Hour...
“We’re looking outside and as you can see, the snow has not only affected those of us on the ground; there’s also snow on trees.”
“We’re now getting reports that several people have sprained their ankles in the snow.”
“One issue is sidewalks.”
“Let’s take a look at some citizen footage of the snow outside. That’s an awful...
Blizzard survival tip:
If you only packed enough underwear for the weekend, you can just sew like six maxi pads together in a figure-8 shape and hold it all up with a belt.
World Wide Bus
There are a few bus services that go between New York and Boston, but on recent trips home I’ve been rolling with one called World Wide Bus Tours. It’s kind of the Mos Def to BoltBus’s Kanye: less famous, less flashy, not too cool to make a pee stop at a Burger King in Connecticut.
Its most redeeming quality is that rather than stopping at South Station, World Wide drops off in...
Lissie, “Pursuit of Happiness” (Kid...
The perfect Christmas gift for a boss who can't...
A T-shirt screenprinted with a photo of you wearing a T-shirt screenprinted with your name on it, and under it, the words “Never Forget.”
Choose Your Own Adventure with the Microfinance...
You run into a former classmate at a big cocktail party. He tells you his passion in life is for microfinance. Micro-what now? You can either 1) admit your ignorance, or 2) take a leap of logic and hope for the best.
ADMIT IGNORANCE “Hah, yeah! Good old micro ‘nance,” you say. “What did you just call it?” he asks. “I…I don’t know. I’m sorry....
How You Order, What It Means
“Uh yeah can I get a…” I arrived here on skateboard
“May iiiii pllllease haveee theee…” If I knew what I wanted no way would I be polite about it
“Just gimme the…” Better buckle up because I’m about to ask for something weird on the side like it’s no big deal
“If you could, I’d love a…” Suddenly I’m...
Watching basketball with Jeremy Gordon
Me: Would you name your son Jordan, after Michael Jordan?
(both take a moment to consider)
Jeremy: Wait, Jordan Gordon? Are you kidding?
BRITTICISMS: Playing Favorites: 2010 Songs of the... →
Yeah, you’ll want to read/listen to/investigate everything Britt mentions in this post.
A portrait of my mom, painted in her texts
“Got socks?”
“I didn’t get to hug you!!!!!!!!”
“Call me. Or email, or text.”
“Did you check the mail?”
“You have a new friend?”
“Eat a raisin roll”
[blank]
“Let me know if it is a nice bus”
“Woman in front of me with terrible legs in sheer hose and short skirt. Hot mess”
...
Reassurance at Every Turn
Me: Hi, I'm in apartment 3 and I'm calling because I think we're having a problem with the heat. It's very cold in here.
Land lord: Huh, must be something wrong with the heat. I dunno, I've never seen the building.
Me: You've never--? Yeah, seems like it only comes on for about half an hour each evening, and I have to sleep with a little hat on like a newborn
Land lord: Yeah, all the other tenants have said the same thing. So did the bar downstairs.
Me: Yeah...
Land lord: Yeah.
Me: ...yeah
Land lord: Must be a thing with the heat.
In news items about the clothing line Mayle, the...
Alternate headline suggestions for future Mayle stories:
HotMayle
The Mayle Gaze
Mayle Order Brides
Penis Enlargement & Mayle Enhancement
Here’s the Mayle; It Never Fails; It Makes Me Wanna Wag My Tail
Filesdone.wav