February 2012
2 posts
4 tags
Super secret Subway tip:
If you say you want it “balaclava style,” they’ll let you behind the counter and build a sandwich around your head.
It’s true.
January 2012
8 posts
Potential Titles for Michelle Pfeiffer's Memoir
It’s the subject on everyone’s mind: Michelle Pfeiffer has not written a memoir yet! And when she does, what should she call it? Here are some fantastic options:
- Pfeiff of the Party
- Party of Pfeiff
- Pfeiff For Your Right To Fparty
- The Life of Pfeiff: Pfeif Fer Life
- Matters of Pfeiff Er Death
- Eye of the Pfeiffer
- Pfeiffer Optics (name may be better suited for Michelle...
Bathroom signs around the world
- “Employees Must Wash Hooks” — a pirate restaurant
- “Employees Must Wash Hands One Through Eight” — a spider restaurant
- “Wash Your Hands Say Yeah” — a hipster restaurant
- “Wash Hands You Must” — a virgin restaurant
- “Employees Must Wash Hans” — famed Austrian restaurant chain Dirty Hans
Let's make it a normal thing to end phone calls...
Me: Do you guys do weekend appointments? Time Warner Person: Yes, we work Saturdays. Me: Great, could we reschedule for a Saturday? Time Warner Person: Let me check. I don’t see any Saturdays. Me: Ever? Time Warner Person: Yeah. Me: Perfect.
A question for fellow Tostitos tortilla chip...
Be honest, is a Hint of Lime truly the right amount of lime for you? Perhaps you’d like more or less flavor!
For those who prefer something subtler than a Hint of Lime, I recommend:
Garbled Suggestion of Lime
Ghostly Echo of Lime
Thom Yorke’s Midnight Whimper of Lime
Amoeba’s Surrendering Exhale of Lime
Indescribable Loneliness. Of Lime.
For those who prefer more lime...
December 2011
11 posts
Texts with my sister-in-law
Karen: Plans for Christmas? Me: I’m going to see as many movies as I can in a row without getting kicked out Karen: Lucky. Movies are the first thing to go when you have kids. Me: Sigh. Well, I’ll send you some homemade video cliffs notes of Mission Impossible 4 Karen: Don’t bother. If Tom Cruise is in it, we know how it ends. With Suri on top! Me: Gross! Karen: Ewwww....
This entire week
I’ve been at home, writing in my living room (that sounds poetic, right? Wait for it, it’s not) and early on I realized that nobody at eye level with my apartment has curtains. None of us. We can all see each other throughout the day and it brings up a handful of weird questions: Should you fight the natural human instinct to wave? Do you still dance around if the mood strikes? Do you...
Madonna, “Sorry”
Anyone who thinks...
My friend got a job
The following is his reaction to the news. All are gchat messages I received from him consecutively.
“WHAT THE FUCK
TIME 2 SWIG SUM SWAGU
I’M GONNA LIE DOWN ON THE GROUND AND DIE
MY NOSE IS BLEEDING
I just fell down
DAMN WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT WHAAAAT
I’M GONNA PISS ON MYSELF TO CELEBRATE
DAMN I’M GONNA PUMP SOME FUCKING IRON
FEW TIMES BEEN AROUND THAT TRACK
...
Psh, this Harry & David ass bitch
Harry & David customer service: Who is this gift from?
Me: Emmy Blotnick.
H&D: And who is this gift to?
Me: Emmy Blotnick.
(...)
Me: WHAT, like I'm the only person to ever order a year-long subscription to Fruit of the Month Club for herself?
Jeremy Gordon: 'Some Of My Favorite Songs Of 2011,... →
airgordon:
Destroyer - Kaputt (“Oh cool, dance music for boring people.”)
JoJo - Marvin’s Room (“I suspect there is something wrong with literally everyone who enjoys this song.”)
Coldplay - Hurts Like Heaven (“I honestly thought this was the Nyan Cat music when it started playing.”)
Dum Dum…
I take responsibility for Negative Comment #3.
November 2011
10 posts
"I Need A Lawyer!!!!!" →
…is the title of the last track on Pete Holmes’s stand-up album, and it just made me laugh out loud alone. There you go.
Thanksgiving!
Mom's boyfriend Rick: Judy, can you heat up my pie?
Mom: Go fuck yourself.
Real Estate, “It’s Real”
Upon...
Shows!
You didn’t ask, but here we go: Here are some chances to witness my shit coming up, if you please.
11/19: Sugar Rush at Parkside Lounge, 7:30 p.m., free
11/19: Overload the Machine at The PIT, 10 p.m., $5
11/25: The Comedy Studio, Cambridge, MA, 8 p.m.
11/26: Grandma’s Basement, Boston, MA, 8 p.m.
11/28: Boneless at The PIT, 9:30 p.m., $5
12/1: Lasers in the Jungle at Luca...
Gwen Stefani, “Hollaback Girl”
Still...
October 2011
6 posts
Costume Improvements
It’s hard to choose what to be for Halloween because it feels like everything has been done, but I think we should take the pressure off ourselves to invent something completely new. Old standbys like cats and ghosts can be totally great if you just add one thing to differentiate yourself. For instance, you could…
Add a mustache. Start with the prettiest, most innocent costume you can...
I've. Got. SHOWS!
…in roughly the same area code. If you would like to see me do some silly shit on a stage, here are some chances coming up:
Friday 10/7: Scoresby Monthly at Triple Crown, 8 pm. Free.
Saturday 10/8: Underground Americana at UCBeast, 11 pm. $5.
Monday 10/17: Goodnight, Internet! at The PIT, 9 pm. $5.
Friday, 10/21: The Karma Comedy Hour, Karma Lounge, 8 pm. Free.
...
You have no chance to survive make your time
Me: I'm rewatching "all your base are belong to us" right now
Me: gotta remember where I came from
Jeremy: god
Jeremy: I can still repeat all of the opening dialogue
Jeremy: from memory
Jeremy: with the exact same timing and inflection
Jeremy: I need to have sex
September 2011
11 posts
Mario Winans, “I Don’t Wanna...
3 tags
Watchlatenightjimmy:
The Roast of Charlie Sheen was such a big hit, he decided he would do a little roasting of his own. Sheen’s got some cold blooded insults!
Hey, I’m in this! Making copies. It’s m’television debut.
It's not too early to start considering your...
Me: How about as a Halloween costume,
Me: "Slutty Dog That Just Ate Chocolate"
Me: just a slutty chocolate-eatin' dog like "woof woof I don't feel good"
Me: plus boobs
Jeremy: I worry you'd come off more like "Rimjob-Giving Furrie"
De La Soul, “Eye Know”
Very good for...
Reviews for Sunshine Day Spa
Sunshine Day Spa New York, NY 10065
5 reviews for Sunshine Day Spa
K.L., Flushing, NY. 4 Stars.
I went for a lymphatic massage and it was great. I had Raymundo and he was very attentive, one of the best I’ve had.
Ladies, just a slight warning that you may feel like he teeters along the line of what is appropriate and what’s not, but I assure you he doesn’t cross the line.
...
WatchLast night at the variety show for Cole Stryker’s book Epic Win, my fellow Fallon bloggers (Cory Cavin & Josh Lay) and I performed a piece adapted from a popular 4chan post known as Fetus Room. Here is the original text:
“If I was a girl, I would get pregnant as many times as possible, then have abortions after the third month of being pregnant so I would deliver a potato sized...
1 tag
Burning Man
Friend: I just got back from Burning Man
Me: Whoa, how was it?
Friend: It was crazy, a totally different experience than I've had in my life
Friend: It's hard to explain because there just isn't a context
Friend: It was like a festival of creativity
Friend: with dubstep and neon and sand and nudity and drugs and hugs and rainbows and ideas that you wished were your own and the spirit of giving and awesome people and douchebags just like anywhere else
Me: Wow
Me: It sounds like you went to an Urban Outfitters.
August 2011
10 posts
Hallucinated headlines
Fellow bored shut-ins in Hurricane Irene’s path, this is how you play the game: Drink a couple glasses of red wine, turn a magazine upside down, walk to the other side of the room and try to make out what the headlines say. Generously fill in the blanks with your winemind. Here’s what I got so far from an issue of Allure:
- How To Make A Lasagna By Frowning During Sex
- Yao Ming...
