Why do we sit with each other? / This is what it looks like / When bros dine
The memo I believe Target sent to everyone but me:
- Eat half a burger and put it on any shelf you want!!!
- Open a box and just throw it!!
- And remember: Fight, fight, fight!!!
Last night I paid $2 extra for a glass of wine because I couldn’t pronounce the cheaper one and couldn’t say “the cheaper one.”
If I ever open a restaurant, I’m gonna make sure all the cheap wines are absolutely impossible to pronounce. And then I will ROLL IN CA$H!
There’s a little phone booth-sized cart on Canal Street near Mulberry that sells these mini-cakes, fifteen for a dollar. They’re not thaaaaat good but it’s such a rush to get fifteen of anything for a dollar. Even if they were selling fifteen cat turds for a dollar I’d probably still be like, “Wow, fifteen?!”
Plus I really like the sign. “This is the mini-cakes.”
You can almost imagine saying that conversationally, in place of “This is the shit.” Like, “Aw man, this is the mini-cakes!”
And then you can save “This is the shit” for the cat turd booth.
I bought the smallest little baby fist of green grapes today at Whole Foods and the price turned out to be $4.64. It felt too late to back out by then, but holy shit — I did the math, and that’s like six hundred bucks a grape. I really had no idea grapes were for millionaires.
My friend pointed out that grapes are classically fancy food. They’re one of the only foods you dangle. They’re one of the only foods where eating them naked probably means you’re rich — as opposed to eating, say, taquitos while naked, which probably means you just got fired.
But that is not my actual grape experience. When I was about ten years old, I went on a playdate with one of my classmates, and for dinner everyone in her family had a little pile of unseasoned shredded chicken with a side of grapes. Maybe eight grapes. I don’t think any of us felt like rich people.
The section of Whole Foods where they lay out all the whole fish looks like what a rich cat would show you during his MTV Cribs episode.
“These are my fish. Yeaaah. And over next to the Costa Rican snappers is my Scarface DVD.”
I went to Trader Joe’s for the first time in a while tonight and it felt like before I checked out, someone had made a bet with my cashier lady, like,
“Hey, this girl has ten items or less — I bet you can’t work in ‘I have menopause’ during the transaction.”
Rest assured she nailed it and made it sound completely friendly.
NO you turd machine, I Googled macaroni because I’m TRYING TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MACARONI!
But actually, has anyone ever meant to go to “http://macaroni”?
JWoww from Jersey Shore punched me in the face on TV last night. Dreams do come true.
Game show idea:
Like Supermarket Sweep, only in a CVS on a rainy winter night, and the point is to see who can grab the most depressing combination of items.
I was sure I was going to win tonight with my gel insoles/chocolate/anti-aging cream combo, but the guy with the lunch meat and the sympathy card completely blew me out of the water.