But what if my boobs are real small?
Here, let me show you how to try a new lipstick for real.
A week ago a guy showed me his dick on the N train in Queens.
Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on it, I wish I could track that man down, look him in the eye and say, “Queens? More like WEENS!”
Last night I got to take home a
shit ton of free vegetables from work SUPER AVANT GARDE HANDBAG!
The woman who lived in my apartment before me signed up for the Victoria’s Secret mailing list five times under five variations of her name. I’m almost certain she was just hoarding these coupons for free underwear.
Occasionally it’s annoying how much it crowds the mailbox, but I actually feel lucky to have inherited this lady’s underwear pyramid scheme. I appreciate the time it must’ve taken her to walk in and out of Victoria’s Secret in Groucho Marx glasses. (“Weren’t you just here?” “What? Of course not! So how about that mailing list?”)
I have to love her. She’s helping me do laundry less often.
Here’s a tip if you faint when you get blood drawn: Chat as much as you can with the nurse to stay distracted. Ask her name, ask questions about her life.
For instance, last time I had blood drawn, the nurse and I ended up having a really nice conversation:
Me: What’s your name?
Nurse: My name is Dinette.
Me: So like a table and four chai—[FAINTS]
There are many reasons you should be watching Nikki and Sara Live on MTV. One is that in last night’s episode I ate french fries off Poutine Ryan Gosling.
Please watch this hilarious fuckin’ video from the season 2 premiere of Nikki and Sara Live. Do it! Those farm animals were so happy to be there they all pooped in our conference room!