emmy blotnick
Potential Titles for Michelle Pfeiffer’s Memoir
It’s the subject on everyone’s mind: Michelle Pfeiffer has not written a memoir yet! And when she does, what should she call it? Here are some fantastic options:
- Pfeiff of the Party
- Party of Pfeiff
- Pfeiff For Your Right To Fparty
- The Life of Pfeiff: Pfeif Fer Life
- Matters of Pfeiff Er Death
- Eye of the Pfeiffer
- Pfeiffer Optics (name may be better suited for Michelle Pfeiffer-themed optical shop/internet service combo-business)
- Pfeiffer? I Barely Know Her! Just Kidding, I Pfofe Her Twice This Morning.
- Explosive Pfeifferhea
Found a new way to draw birds today. Eyes without heads! Boom!
Bathroom signs around the world
- “Employees Must Wash Hooks” — a pirate restaurant
- “Employees Must Wash Hands One Through Eight” — a spider restaurant
- “Wash Your Hands Say Yeah” — a hipster restaurant
- “Wash Hands You Must” — a virgin restaurant
- “Employees Must Wash Hans” — famed Austrian restaurant chain Dirty Hans
Let’s make it a normal thing to end phone calls like this by shouting “Y’all are BULLSHIT!”
Me: Do you guys do weekend appointments?
Time Warner Person: Yes, we work Saturdays.
Me: Great, could we reschedule for a Saturday?
Time Warner Person: Let me check. I don’t see any Saturdays.
Me: Ever?
Time Warner Person: Yeah.
Me: Perfect.
A question for fellow Tostitos tortilla chip lovers:
Be honest, is a Hint of Lime truly the right amount of lime for you? Perhaps you’d like more or less flavor!
For those who prefer something subtler than a Hint of Lime, I recommend:
- Garbled Suggestion of Lime
- Ghostly Echo of Lime
- Thom Yorke’s Midnight Whimper of Lime
- Amoeba’s Surrendering Exhale of Lime
- Indescribable Loneliness. Of Lime.
For those who prefer more lime flavor, might I suggest you try:
- Backhand of Lime
- Boston Homophobe’s Bark of Lime
- Two Dozen Concert Venue Toilets of Lime
- Overturned Mack Truck Leaving One Dead and Several Injured of Lime
- Chainsaw-Juggling Juggalo Gang Rape and Murder of Lime
![“The name’s Richard Tits. People call me Rich Tits. Some people call me Dick Tits. Some people call me Dick Titties. What do I care, I’m wealthy.” [h/t, h/t]](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxre2g08WE1qzogkuo1_500.jpg)
“The name’s Richard Tits. People call me Rich Tits. Some people call me Dick Tits. Some people call me Dick Titties. What do I care, I’m wealthy.” [h/t, h/t]
FYI. (related)
THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FUN. Oh my. Come on out, friends!
high-res photo“Come on in, Mouthful of Sores! All of your mouth sores are welcome at Red Lobster.”
I love the internet.
