emmy blotnick


Potential Titles for Michelle Pfeiffer’s Memoir

It’s the subject on everyone’s mind: Michelle Pfeiffer has not written a memoir yet! And when she does, what should she call it? Here are some fantastic options:

- Pfeiff of the Party

- Party of Pfeiff

- Pfeiff For Your Right To Fparty

- The Life of Pfeiff: Pfeif Fer Life

- Matters of Pfeiff Er Death

- Eye of the Pfeiffer

- Pfeiffer Optics (name may be better suited for Michelle Pfeiffer-themed optical shop/internet service combo-business)

- Pfeiffer? I Barely Know Her! Just Kidding, I Pfofe Her Twice This Morning.

- Explosive Pfeifferhea

Found a new way to draw birds today. Eyes without heads! Boom!

Found a new way to draw birds today. Eyes without heads! Boom!

Bathroom signs around the world

- “Employees Must Wash Hooks” — a pirate restaurant

- “Employees Must Wash Hands One Through Eight” — a spider restaurant

- “Wash Your Hands Say Yeah” — a hipster restaurant

- “Wash Hands You Must” — a virgin restaurant

- “Employees Must Wash Hans” — famed Austrian restaurant chain Dirty Hans

Let’s make it a normal thing to end phone calls like this by shouting “Y’all are BULLSHIT!”

Me: Do you guys do weekend appointments?
Time Warner Person: Yes, we work Saturdays.
Me: Great, could we reschedule for a Saturday?
Time Warner Person: Let me check. I don’t see any Saturdays.
Me: Ever?
Time Warner Person: Yeah.
Me: Perfect. 

A question for fellow Tostitos tortilla chip lovers:

Be honest, is a Hint of Lime truly the right amount of lime for you? Perhaps you’d like more or less flavor!

For those who prefer something subtler than a Hint of Lime, I recommend:

  • Garbled Suggestion of Lime
  • Ghostly Echo of Lime
  • Thom Yorke’s Midnight Whimper of Lime
  • Amoeba’s Surrendering Exhale of Lime
  • Indescribable Loneliness.   Of Lime.

For those who prefer more lime flavor, might I suggest you try:

  • Backhand of Lime
  • Boston Homophobe’s Bark of Lime
  • Two Dozen Concert Venue Toilets of Lime
  • Overturned Mack Truck Leaving One Dead and Several Injured of Lime
  • Chainsaw-Juggling Juggalo Gang Rape and Murder of Lime

“The name’s Richard Tits. People call me Rich Tits. Some people call me Dick Tits. Some people call me Dick Titties. What do I care, I’m wealthy.” [h/t, h/t]

“The name’s Richard Tits. People call me Rich Tits. Some people call me Dick Tits. Some people call me Dick Titties. What do I care, I’m wealthy.” [h/t, h/t]

FYI. (related)

FYI. (related)

THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FUN. Oh my. Come on out, friends!

THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FUN. Oh my. Come on out, friends!

Mascara Companies vs. Monster Truck Rallies: a mostly useless Venn diagram. high-res photo

Mascara Companies vs. Monster Truck Rallies: a mostly useless Venn diagram.

“Come on in, Mouthful of Sores! All of your mouth sores are welcome at Red Lobster.”
I love the internet. high-res photo

“Come on in, Mouthful of Sores! All of your mouth sores are welcome at Red Lobster.”

I love the internet.