emmy blotnick


I just bought a couple of succulent plants but don’t have any pots handy, so I’m googling around for planter alternatives. Some of the things that come up are pretty neat: hollow action figures, old cinderblocks, empty seashells.
But then, this. Stuffing unwanted pants with soil. Ugh. I have only sympathy for the tree that has to spend its life being humped by jeans this embarrassing. By comparison I feel like the tree in True Detective with the dead prostitute tied to it got off easy. 
I still haven’t decided what to do with these plants, but I’m taking a moment now to reassure them: I would never do that to you, my sweet leafy companions. I would never.

I just bought a couple of succulent plants but don’t have any pots handy, so I’m googling around for planter alternatives. Some of the things that come up are pretty neat: hollow action figures, old cinderblocks, empty seashells.

But then, this. Stuffing unwanted pants with soil. Ugh. I have only sympathy for the tree that has to spend its life being humped by jeans this embarrassing. By comparison I feel like the tree in True Detective with the dead prostitute tied to it got off easy. 

I still haven’t decided what to do with these plants, but I’m taking a moment now to reassure them: I would never do that to you, my sweet leafy companions. I would never.

The Women About to Make Comedy History →

Happy to be on this list of HISTORY-MAKING WOMEN. (Hope that’s okay with you, ghost of Susan B. Anthony.)

THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK I’M READING QUOTES “THE WHISPER SONG”!
I hope in the endnotes they’re referred to as “Yang Twins, The Ying.” high-res photo

THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK I’M READING QUOTES “THE WHISPER SONG”!

I hope in the endnotes they’re referred to as “Yang Twins, The Ying.”

Video: The Definitive Strong Brow Tutorial →

My “tutorial” video about how to get beautiful eyebrows is now featured on Into The Gloss, a website I enjoy. Hoooooray!

funnyladyfilmclub:

FUNNY LADY FILM CLUB - WORKING GIRL 

For our very first episode (!!!), we watched ’80s classic WORKING GIRL with the wonderful Emmy Blotnick & Abra Tabak. Watch us hit on important topics like tall butts, skeezebags, and Olympia Dukakis. 

And don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE for new videos every week!

#JoinTheClub #PassThePopcorn

(via srslytheblog)

I gotta say, I’m thrilled with Self Magazine's choice of photo for their website. high-res photo

I gotta say, I’m thrilled with Self Magazine's choice of photo for their website.

I tried a very painful workout called Barry’s Bootcamp for SELF Magazine. Please enjoy watching a beautiful ripped man destroy me.

On Valentine’s Day, my pal Jeremy said he walked through a flock of pigeons while listening to the glorious Charlie Wilson part of Kanye West’s “Bound 2.” It sounded pretty magical. Anyway, here’s “Bound 2” for pigeons.

On Valentine’s Day, my pal Jeremy said he walked through a flock of pigeons while listening to the glorious Charlie Wilson part of Kanye West’s “Bound 2.” It sounded pretty magical. Anyway, here’s “Bound 2” for pigeons.

About a week ago I impulsively bought a super cheap flight to Turks and Caicos and went by myself for a couple of days. It was awesome.
I overheard a lot of complaining, though. I think it’s because brochures only show the very best stuff. People expect everything to be perfect.
So here’s a solution: For every good brochure, there should be a brochure that shows some of the unpleasant realities of warm weather beachy vacations so people know what they’re getting into. Those realities include:
White people with “island braids”
Children with beaded rat tails eating melted chocolate and then touching all the arm rests
Dads in “YOLO” t-shirts who don’t know how much sunscreen isn’t absorbing into their mustaches
Overhearing a tourist ask a local questions like “Do y’all eat dogs and horses here?” which is only slightly less offensive than asking “When y’all here are real hungry, do y’all eat y’all’s own children?”
French pedicures
Possibly finding a dead cockroach outside your bedroom door being devoured by ants.
high-res photo

About a week ago I impulsively bought a super cheap flight to Turks and Caicos and went by myself for a couple of days. It was awesome.

I overheard a lot of complaining, though. I think it’s because brochures only show the very best stuff. People expect everything to be perfect.

So here’s a solution: For every good brochure, there should be a brochure that shows some of the unpleasant realities of warm weather beachy vacations so people know what they’re getting into. Those realities include:

  • White people with “island braids”
  • Children with beaded rat tails eating melted chocolate and then touching all the arm rests
  • Dads in “YOLO” t-shirts who don’t know how much sunscreen isn’t absorbing into their mustaches
  • Overhearing a tourist ask a local questions like “Do y’all eat dogs and horses here?” which is only slightly less offensive than asking “When y’all here are real hungry, do y’all eat y’all’s own children?”
  • French pedicures
  • Possibly finding a dead cockroach outside your bedroom door being devoured by ants.

When I was about 10 years old I went to see Blue Man Group. In the middle of the show, one of the Blue Men came dancing down the aisle, deepthroated a white chocolate Toblerone, chewed it up and regurgitated it into my friend’s dad’s hand in the shape of a dick.

And I just realized now, over a decade later: I bet no one told him to do that.

I bet after the show someone had to sit him down and be like, “What the hell were you doing out there?”

"What, it’s a trick I do!"

"We don’t throw up dicks here. People bring their children to this. It’s not a part of our show."

"But it COULD be!"

"No, dude. Wrong kind of blue. Go home."

Mostly I just can’t believe I’ve spent all these years assuming they did that in every show. The subject of Blue Man Group came up in conversation recently and I said, “Ohh, did they do the white chocolate dick-in-the-hand trick for you guys?” and across the board my friends were like “WHAT???”

I wonder where that guy is now.