emmy blotnick


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Please check out this delightful project I worked on with Nikki Glaser for Comedy Central and AT&T, Comedians Crashing Couches. I’d say we’re pretty amazing at sucking at football.

New form of exercise: 

You know in Jackie Chan movies when he fights off like 17 guys at once? It’s doing that but with zero guys. I recommend it.

Last night I smashed a mosquito on my leg as it was in the middle of biting me and it was an explosion of blood. It was a gruesome sight. Especially if you’re another mosquito. Because there’s no way they want to see their brethren murdered, but blood is the thing they find most delicious. It’d be like if you saw your uncle get stabbed and explode into french fries. You’d be like, “NO!!! Yes! NO!!”

#tbt? high-res photo

#tbt?

I’ve walked by this place a dozen times and it makes me medium crazy that their tagline isn’t “Heaven must be missing a bagel.”

I’ve walked by this place a dozen times and it makes me medium crazy that their tagline isn’t “Heaven must be missing a bagel.”

The website Beauty High requested I make a tutorial about how to contour your face like Kim Kardashian’s. Luckily I know ALL THE SECRETS.

This sounds like a story about two pieces of paper magically communicating.

This sounds like a story about two pieces of paper magically communicating.

Earlier I saw an old guy on a park bench drop a piece of his doughnut by accident. Two sparrows showed up right away and started testing how close they could get to the fallen doughnut piece without bothering the guy. They were trying to act all unassuming, hopping toward it then looking away, like if you could ask, “Hey, what are you guys doing?” they’d answer, “What? Oh, I was just looking for a friend…” “Yeah, uh, I thought I dropped something here before but it was nothing. Carry on.”

It’s the same thing I do when there’s someone guarding free doughnuts.

Welp, my coffee shop wins for “Most Pussy-Lookin’ Punch Card.”

Welp, my coffee shop wins for “Most Pussy-Lookin’ Punch Card.”

Here’s the “select a character” part before you play a video game.