I’ve been reading this “statistic” in women’s magazines for 15 years. Some large, ever-shifting percentage of us (70? 80? 85?) wear the wrong bra size, and apparently we’re not doing shit about it because they keep printing it.
I’m gonna print up a magazine and the cover story will be “OUR BOOBS ARE ALL DOING FINE! You can put your boobs in just about anything and people will like them! Put your boobs in a big bra, a little bra, a shoebox, a casserole dish, two Doritos bags — LADIES, IT DON’T MATTER!”
A year ago today, someone stole my wallet. It made me go crazy for a few days. I’m about 95% over it.
The part I’m still not over, a full year later, is losing all my punch cards. I had all these “buy nine get one free” things. I was making progress on all of them. To this day, I still want to shake the thief by the shoulders and shout, “I was two smoothies, four soups, three sandwiches, two frozen yogurts and one coffee away from A LOT OF FREE SHIT, YOU CUNT! You basically canceled a picnic for me!”
I remember trying to console myself after it happened. I thought, “Hey, on the bright side, I’m completely unmuggable now.” It was the first and only time I’ve ever wanted someone to try to mug me, just so I could say “Surprise, I’ve already BEEN mugged, asshole!” and make that mugger reconsider his entire game plan. Ideally, after that, he’d take a look at his life and think, “Wow, damn, I’m a horrible mugger. Maybe this is not my calling at all. Maybe I should take up tap dance.”
I just bought a couple of succulent plants but don’t have any pots handy, so I’m googling around for planter alternatives. Some of the things that come up are pretty neat: hollow action figures, old cinderblocks, empty seashells.
But then, this. Stuffing unwanted pants with soil. Ugh. I have only sympathy for the tree that has to spend its life being humped by jeans this embarrassing. By comparison I feel like the tree in True Detective with the dead prostitute tied to it got off easy.
I still haven’t decided what to do with these plants, but I’m taking a moment now to reassure them: I would never do that to you, my sweet leafy companions. I would never.
THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK I’M READING QUOTES “THE WHISPER SONG”!
I hope in the endnotes they’re referred to as “Yang Twins, The Ying.”
FUNNY LADY FILM CLUB - WORKING GIRL
For our very first episode (!!!), we watched ’80s classic WORKING GIRL with the wonderful Emmy Blotnick & Abra Tabak. Watch us hit on important topics like tall butts, skeezebags, and Olympia Dukakis.
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I tried a very painful workout called Barry’s Bootcamp for SELF Magazine. Please enjoy watching a beautiful ripped man destroy me.