Earlier I saw an old guy on a park bench drop a piece of his doughnut by accident. Two sparrows showed up right away and started testing how close they could get to the fallen doughnut piece without bothering the guy. They were trying to act all unassuming, hopping toward it then looking away, like if you could ask, “Hey, what are you guys doing?” they’d answer, “What? Oh, I was just looking for a friend…” “Yeah, uh, I thought I dropped something here before but it was nothing. Carry on.”
It’s the same thing I do when there’s someone guarding free doughnuts.
Welp, my coffee shop wins for “Most Pussy-Lookin’ Punch Card.”
Here’s the “select a character” part before you play a video game.
Here’s a little dance I call “The Semi-Committed Semi-Thriller.”
My friend Molly bought new Birkenstock sandals that gave her blisters, so I shared a tip for stretching the leather that worked for me. I said, “Here’s what you do: Fill the bathtub up halfway, then walk around in your Birkenstocks.”
And that’s how I realized I’m living the world’s most boring Beyonce cover.
Either this family has no idea how green screen souvenir photos work or they know EXACTLY how they work.
The worst is when you come up with an invention that you know you would use, but it’s not a cool invention you’d want to be known as the inventor of.
For me, it’s a windshield squeegee covered in acne medicine so you can do your own back.
I’m a year older today! Bought myself some birthday peonies and a birthday rotisserie chicken. Feelin’ great.
I tried to draw a lobster and got like 80% done before I realized the legs are hard. So here’s a lobster wearing a bunch of boots.