emmy blotnick


I’ve walked by this place a dozen times and it makes me medium crazy that their tagline isn’t “Heaven must be missing a bagel.”

I’ve walked by this place a dozen times and it makes me medium crazy that their tagline isn’t “Heaven must be missing a bagel.”

The website Beauty High requested I make a tutorial about how to contour your face like Kim Kardashian’s. Luckily I know ALL THE SECRETS.

This sounds like a story about two pieces of paper magically communicating.

This sounds like a story about two pieces of paper magically communicating.

Earlier I saw an old guy on a park bench drop a piece of his doughnut by accident. Two sparrows showed up right away and started testing how close they could get to the fallen doughnut piece without bothering the guy. They were trying to act all unassuming, hopping toward it then looking away, like if you could ask, “Hey, what are you guys doing?” they’d answer, “What? Oh, I was just looking for a friend…” “Yeah, uh, I thought I dropped something here before but it was nothing. Carry on.”

It’s the same thing I do when there’s someone guarding free doughnuts.

Welp, my coffee shop wins for “Most Pussy-Lookin’ Punch Card.”

Welp, my coffee shop wins for “Most Pussy-Lookin’ Punch Card.”

Here’s the “select a character” part before you play a video game.

Here’s a little dance I call “The Semi-Committed Semi-Thriller.”

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hey kool

My friend Molly bought new Birkenstock sandals that gave her blisters, so I shared a tip for stretching the leather that worked for me. I said, “Here’s what you do: Fill the bathtub up halfway, then walk around in your Birkenstocks.”

And that’s how I realized I’m living the world’s most boring Beyonce cover.

Either this family has no idea how green screen souvenir photos work or they know EXACTLY how they work. high-res photo

Either this family has no idea how green screen souvenir photos work or they know EXACTLY how they work.